birth control should be required to get into college
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
