somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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