so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
