I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
