I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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