Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
