i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
