That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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