I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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