Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
