i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
