my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
