Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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