I need to stop coming to work sober
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
