what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
