I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
being pregnant is like rehab
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
