I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
