I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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