why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
