I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
