the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
