Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
