can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
