i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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