Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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