Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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