I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
