Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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