I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
