I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
