how can u be prego again
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
