I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She told me I should be a condom model.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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