I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
