well I can't set my house on fire every night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Did you just see the Batmobile???
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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