Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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