Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
