I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
