Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
