I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm bleeding and have questions
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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