The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The uberlube is also flammable
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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