Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ambien. No doubt about it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
