I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
