I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Are we still banned from the library?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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