just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
