just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
