We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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