shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
