i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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