Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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