wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
