I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
