I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
