I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
