I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
