woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
