His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
