Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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