when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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