Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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