hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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