im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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